For many women, the hardest part of becoming a gestational surrogate isn’t the medical side or the paperwork — it’s the not knowing. What will it feel like? What will surprise me? What do I wish someone had told me before I started?
We asked the women in our community to get their feedback. Their honest answers about what caught them off guard, and what they learned along the way, are exactly the kind of reassurance a first-time surrogate is looking for. Here is what they want you to know.
The emotional impact is bigger than you expect
Almost every gestational surrogate says the same thing looking back: she underestimated how deeply the experience would move her. Allie went in feeling prepared for the practical parts and was surprised by everything else:
“I didn’t fully realize how meaningful it would be to watch someone become a parent. Seeing their excitement at every milestone and knowing I played a role in helping create their family was something I’ll never forget.”
– Allie, AZ
One of our surrogates who carried for a single father described the exact same realization after her journey:
“I think I went into this wanting to just help out a family, not realizing the monumental impact it would actually have. I went into this thinking I wouldn’t feel the impact of this journey, and I truly feel that it has enriched my life.”
– Jess, ILIf there is one theme surrogates repeat, it is this. You may start out simply wanting to help, and finish feeling changed by the entire experience in magical ways.
The process is often smoother than you fear
A lot of women picture surrogacy as impossibly complicated. In practice, most surrogates are surprised by how manageable it is once they have a team guiding them. Jennifer put it plainly:
“One of the things that surprised me about the journey was how ‘easy’ the process is. I knew there would be a lot of stuff to do going into it, but I didn’t expect it to flow as easily as it did.”
– Jennifer, FLThere is real work involved, from screening to appointments to legal steps. It just tends to feel far less overwhelming than expected when you know what is coming next. Our overview of the step-by-step surrogacy process walks through every stage so nothing catches you by surprise.
The medical side takes patience
If there is one area where surrogates wish they had set their expectations differently, it is the medical process. The IVF medications, in particular, ask something of you. Holly was honest about it:
“IVF is challenging. I underestimated the difficulty of taking IVF medication for months.”
– Holly, AZIt is also worth knowing that a first embryo transfer does not always work, and that is normal. Many surrogates feel that first-try pressure. Kiara remembered it well:
“My biggest fear was if I would be able to get pregnant on the first try.”
– Kiara, CAThe lesson here is patience and trust. Your medical team and your case manager will prepare you for each step, and a setback early on does not mean anything is wrong with you. You can get a feel for whether the medical requirements fit your life on our surrogate eligibility page.
The support might be the biggest surprise of all
Ask surrogates what they did not see coming and many will point to the people, not the process. Brittany was surprised by how much support surrounded her from every direction:
“What surprised me most about the surrogacy journey was the support!!! The friends and family I have gained through surrogacy has been phenomenal! The agency alone has been incredible and offers so much support throughout the entire process and beyond.”
– Brittany, TNBetween a dedicated case manager, a community of fellow surrogates and regular check-ins, most women feel far less alone than they expected. You can read more of Brittany’s birth story to see what that support looked like day to day.
Not everyone will understand, and that is okay
One honest lesson surrogates share is that surrogacy invites curiosity, and occasionally confusion, from the people around them. Holly wishes she had been ready for that part:
“I wish I had known that not everyone will agree with your decision to become a surrogate. Prepare for some strange looks and even crazier questions!”
– Holly, AZMost surrogates find that openness and a little humor go a long way. The women who love and know you best tend to become your biggest supporters, even if they ask a lot of questions first.
It is a journey of highs and lows
Every experienced surrogate will tell you the journey is not a perfectly smooth line, and that this is completely normal. Holly offered the advice she gives everyone considering it:
“Surrogacy is truly a journey. It’s a journey of highs and lows. Don’t let the lows overshadow the highs. Enjoy all the little moments of the journey because it goes by fast.”
– Holly, AZBrittany, now a repeat surrogate, agreed that expecting a few bumps is part of being ready:
“No one can promise a perfect journey where everything goes according to plan without difficulties. But in spite of the challenges I faced, this was one of the most rewarding things I have ever done.”
– Brittany, TXSaying goodbye is not really goodbye
Many women worry about how the end of the journey will feel. What surrogates learn is that the relationship they build often carries on well past delivery. Sarah described it beautifully:
“You’re able to say good bye, knowing that it’s not a ‘forever’ goodbye.”
– Sarah, ORThe friendship you form with your intended parents can become one of the most lasting parts of the whole experience. Our guide on building a strong relationship with your intended parents explains how those bonds tend to grow.
The women who have walked this path all seem to arrive at the same conclusion: the surprises were mostly good ones, and the hard parts were worth it.
If you are weighing whether surrogacy is right for you, take that as encouragement to trust yourself, ask every question you have and lean on a team that will guide you from the very first step. As one of our surrogates put it, “Be honest with yourself. Listen to the voice in your heart.”
When you are ready to learn more, visit abcsurrogacy.com or take the first step and become a gestational surrogate with a team that has helped hundreds of women through this journey.